Just Another Day…
I really don’t know exactly what to say. Life has certainly taken me places I wasn’t expecting to go, has given me experiences and I never thought I would have, and given me feelings I wish I didn’t know about.
I moved in with R at his parents house in July of last year. We saved up money and rented a single wide trailer in August, and in January of this year had to move out. So we moved back in with R’s parents. That didn’t go so well. He had a car accident at the beginning of the year and totaled the car (he was okay though, not a scratch thank God). So, R’s dad took us to Knoxville so that we could buy another car. The problem is that his dad has it in his head that R has to have a certain kind of car with a certain amount of mileage and have it cost a certain amount. And not a good certain amount. He seems to think that the only cars that are worthwhile are expensive ones. Well, R’s credit is better than mine, but not good enough to get the kind of car that his dad wants him to get. Well anyway, we are out looking at cars and I’m trying to tell R that the one that his dad has picked out for us is too expensive, and with me losing my job and him starting a new one, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to buy such an expensive car until we know how things were going to work out with his job. His dad got angry with me and started talking to R (mind you, we are all in the same car, and R is sitting next to me in the back seat while his dad is driving) about how manipulative I was, that I need to have no say in the car he is going to buy, and that if I was going to continue in this regard, I would have to find someplace else to go. Of course, he wasn’t as nice as I just made it sound. He was really nasty about it, and there were other things that were said, and by the time he was done talking I was in tears and texting H to come get me and my things as soon as possible. R was really upset that I was leaving and tried to convince me not to go, but there is only so much verbal abuse I can tolerate, and with him starting this job the next week, I was going to be stuck all alone in the house with his mom (who is not much better, and can be worse) with no vehicle and no friends around. I mean, I feel bad enough about myself already I don’t need to hear demeaning comments about my mental status and how I’m so “f’d up” and that R would be better off not being with me and blah blah blah. So H came and got me and the majority of my things and I went to her house. R and I were texting each other until about 3am, which upset his dad to no end and pretty much told him he needed to get off the phone and stay off the phone. Well, R is a grown man who pays the cell bill himself, it’s in his name, but his dad is treating him like a teenager who has ignored his homework and chores to chat with his girlfriend. The next day, I borrowed H’s car and went to R’s parents house to retrieve the rest of my things, and R and some of his things as he decided that he would like to be with me. I found that quite awesome. Anyway, at the moment we are staying in H’s camper in her barn until we can save some money to get another place to live. They (H and BI) recently bought a minivan, so we bought their car from them so that R could have a way back and forth to work.
I’m used to having bad things happen to me. Bad things have happened my entire life. So you think I would be used to the upsets, disappointments and setbacks. Well, yeah, I kinda am. I can’t enjoy anything good about any given situation because I know that eventually the bottom will drop out and all hell will break loose. I know this, and have become familiar with this concept. The problem is I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of never feeling happy and content. Now, people that don’t know me and are reading this for the first time can say “it’s all in how you look at it”, or “if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade” or any of the other typical responses. But for me, it just isn’t that simple.
I suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) among a few other “mental illnesses”. Pretty much what it comes down to is that I’m F’d up in the head. Everything from my thought processes, to how I perceive a situation or comment or facial look or even a sigh, is completely whack. I have done all kinds of research on this and though I see how I fit into this diagnosis perfectly (out of the 9 criterion for diagnosis of this disorder, I have 9), I am powerless to change anything by myself. I have tried. And tried. And tried. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around basic concepts that everyone else gets with ease.
At this very moment in time, I am falling; have been falling for days now. I am feeling more empty, more angry, more depressed…I have been on just about every anti-depressant, mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic known to man. The problem is I haven’t found a therapist who deals with patients that have BPD. I haven’t had true counseling since I was 18, and that was when I was first diagnosed as having BPD. The problem is that medication alone cannot help. The medication can help with the depression or anxiety or whatever, but the underlying problem is still there. BPD cannot be treated with medication alone. It is treated by un-learning harmful thought processes, learning new ways to deal with different feelings, and establishing a core sense of identity. Not something you can do on your own. For that, you need a qualified therapist who has experience in dealing with patients with BPD, and from what I have found, takes years to accomplish.
At this point, I am feeling quite hopeless. I have been to numerous doctors and therapists and have been in hospitals and crisis centers, only to become just another name on a list of thousands of others that also need help. My experience with doctors of late has been (especially if you are in a hospital setting) you see your doctor for 5 minutes (if you are lucky) every other day (sometimes once every 3 days), and the rest of the time you are cooling your heels in the “day/activity room” until it is time to take night meds and go to bed. There are no group sessions, no individual counseling…most of the time the staff doesn’t even take the time to learn your name. You wear a hospital bracelet with your name and picture on it, and that’s how they identify you. It’s all just a very hopeless situation. You try to talk to someone, but they are busy with paperwork or answering phones, or even their own conversations with other staff members to pay you much attention.
In the past few days I have seriously considered checking myself into a hospital or something, because I know that when I start feeling the way I do now, bad things happen. But being in that kind of situation in a hospital can most times be more depressing. So you are torn between seriously wanting to get help to get better and live a more satisfying life without all the drama, and wanting to avoid the nameless treatment you receive in a hospital. I have dealt with this long enough, and I’m tired of feeling the way I do, tired of pushing people away, tired of not being able to relate to anyone, tired of my angry (and increasingly violent) outbursts, and tired of hurting those that I care most about. I’m just tired of it all.
Whew…
…so, I “took a big girl pill” (as H said) and brought up to R my fears and worries, and it seems to have worked out pretty well. He brought up that he had pretty much the same insecurities as I do, and have agreed that time to prove things to each other is the best thing. So all is good. I feel much better about things now, and maybe I can sleep with ease (without the sleeping pills, they make me feel run down and woozy the day after). I even told him specifically what was bothering me and told me straight out that I have nothing to worry about. So maybe now I can relax and just be myself with him without having to worry about that other shit. Things are very very good. I can’t wait to see him at work tomorrow.
Ooh La La
Well, let’s see here…things haven’t worked out so well with D. He had been drifting further and further away since before Thanksgiving, and a few weeks ago he just dropped off the face of the earth. The last I had heard from him the doctors were going to be running tests to see if the chemo and radiation were making a dent in his cancer. If they weren’t, they were going to stop them because they were only making him sick and they told him that he had about six months. If the treatments were working, then they were going to continue with them. He wouldn’t reply to my texts, take my calls, or return my voicemails. I have no idea what happened to him, and think it’s pretty shitty of him to leave me hanging like that after all that we’ve been through the past two and half years. I know it sounds bad to say, but I’ve pretty much washed my hands of him. Everytime he would get angry at me for something (and it didn’t even have to be a big something) he would give me the silent treatment, sometimes for a week and a half. He’s got nothing to be angry at me for this time (and really only once did he have merit to be angry with me to give me that long a silent treatment) and I have no idea what is going on. He always told me that if anything ever happened to him, his brother, T, would get a hold of me and at least let me know what was going on. But I haven’t heard from either one of them and I have no idea how to get a hold of T to even see what’s up. Abandoned yet again…
However, I did start a new job (as crappy as it may be, it is still a paycheck) and met someone at work. We’ve been dating for not quite a week yet. He’s cute, funny, and seems sincere in what he has to say. We get along quite well. We listen to the same kind of music, both worship Family Guy (LOL) and we have some great conversations. I’m really starting to like him a whole lot. Maybe too much for so early on. He’s got some drama going on right now with one of his ex girlfriends, and I’m kinda worried that he’s going to end up going back to her and I’ll get my heart broken yet again. Every time I find myself getting closer to him, I pull myself back because I’m so afraid of getting hurt. Between B and D, I’ve been hurt a lot over the last 7 years and I’m not sure I could handle another heart break so soon after D. I want to bring this up to R, but I just don’t know how to get my words right and not seem like I think things are further along than what they are. I want to let him know that I am totally interested in pursuing a relationship with him and at the same time I’m kind of leery of doing so. I almost feel like I’m giving him mixed signals sometimes, because one moment I’ll be all talkative and giddy and the next I’m all quiet and shy. I just wish I knew if he was serious about not playing games and finding that special someone or if he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. H told me that I should have just gone out and found me a couple of rebounds before getting into another relationship. That sounded like a good idea at the time (right after shit went down with D), but I’m getting to a point in my life where I want to find someone to be with and start a family. He says he wants the same thing, but I’ve been lied to so much by so many different guys (B jumps straight to mind) I’m not sure if I can take what he says at face value yet or not. I really really like him and would love it if he is true to his word and things work out between us. I’m just so afraid of throwing myself in there and getting hurt. I kinda told him that last night over a text message, and his response was “I know what you mean”. I don’t know if that means “I understand what you’re saying and I feel the same way” or if it means “Yeah, ok, whatever, we’ll see how it works out”. H says I just need to sit down with him and have a conversation about it, but I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve like that. That’s how you get hurt. But then again if I don’t talk to him about it, I’m going to be an insecure paranoid mess and probably wreck things anyway. God, I don’t know what to do. I really really like him and don’t want to push him away with a “relationship talk” but then again I don’t want to send him the wrong message by being too distant, either. Wow, how did things get so complicated so quickly?? Maybe I’m just over-analyzing things and reading too much into nothing. Or maybe I’m right and this is going to end up in disaster. I hope I’m wrong and my insecurities are based only on my own fears and not what is actually there. It would be so awesome if things worked out with us…well, I’m going to get something to eat and then shower so I can go to work later. I’ll see how it goes for the time being, and if need be, we’ll have a talk I suppose. I just don’t want to push him away by bringing up things that don’t need to be brought up yet, and I don’t want to push him away by being too distant, either. Maybe I just need to “cowgirl up” and honestly tell him how I’m feeling. If I have the guts to, that is…
*sigh*
Soooo…sometimes I can’t help but feel like I am an outsider, no matter where I’m at. An outsider. A fifth wheel. The unwanted “hang-around”. The spare tire everyone just deals with. I don’t know what else to say but that. I just feel very uncomfortable. Especially with other people, because they’re not my friends, they are friends of friends. And that’s obvious with my myspace and facebook accounts. I get all kinds of updates from other people, and I see people talking to each other, but no one talks to me. It’s not like I’m the kind of person that wants everything to be about me, because I’m not. But once in a while it would be nice for someone to acknowledge the fact that I still do exist. Right now I just feel like…I don’t know. Life sucks sometimes…
Here We Go Again…
…new place and a new job interview scheduled for 9pm tonight. I’m feeling optimistic because I usually do well with interviews. I’m hoping that this job will work out for me and then I can save up some money so that I can get a car and eventually another place to live again. I love staying with H, as she is my best friend, but nothing can top the feeling of having your own home, even if it is a 1 bedroom apartment. At least it’s all yours. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but at the same time I feel I need to put my pessimism aside and try to look on the brighter side of things. A lot easier said than done, believe me. Also looked into going to college, and it’s going to be more difficult than what I thought. I never took the SAT’s and that’s going to be a big set-back and my high school shut down shortly after I graduated, so transcripts are going to be a bitch to get, I think. There is a number on the letter I got to talk to an enrollment specialist, so maybe I should just start there and see what my options are. I like starting over, but sometimes it’s just a big pain in the ass to get everything going again and get focused on one or two goals and not have my head in the clouds wanting what I can’t have. Grrr…
Life Can Be Good
Well, I’ve been here with my girl, H, for over two weeks and things are certainly looking up. I’m feeling better about myself, taking better care of myself (taking my meds, doing my laundry, washing dishes…all the things I just couldn’t seem to be able to do so deep into my depression) and have even started looking for a job and have applied for federal student aide to go back to school. I want to go into nursing, and possibly even in the mental health field so that I can help people that are just like me. However, I’m worried that being in that environment might bring me down, so I haven’t decided exactly what field of nursing I want to go into yet.
I had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday (lots of fun). It had been bothering me for years and this last week really sent me over the edge so I went and had it taken care of. Finally it doesn’t hurt anymore, and I can open my mouth enough to take bite of actual food (and get off my liquid diet!!). The only drawback is the pain meds they put me on make me sick to my stomach, so I’m going to stop taking them so that I can stop puking and actually keep food down. Yuck!!
My mom is having surgery on her thyroid on Friday. There is a mass and the docs don’t know whether it’s cancerous or not, so they are just going to remove it, and hopefully not take any or all of her thyroid at the same time.
D’s new cancer treatments seem to be helping. His docs say that he is not getting any worse, which is good, but I wish his cancer would go away. All the chemo and radiation seem to be doing is stalling it and not fixing it. He’s going to be coming to see me this weekend, and I’m really excited. I haven’t seen him in a month, and I really miss him.
I miss my son, G, too. I meant to call him yesterday, but I was in pain and medicated and missed my opportunity because I fell asleep. I’ll try again today when he gets home from school and hopefully I’ll be able to talk to him.
Well, that’s all I have for now. Hopefully I’ll have some good news about a job or school sometime soon.
Ciao!
Update
Well, I was just notified that I am going home today! My friend, H, is coming to pick me up, but because of the distance she has to travel, she won’t be here until 7 or 8 tonight. That’s all right, though, at least I know that I will be getting out of here soon!! I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to post again, so please be patient with me. Thanks.
Down In A Hole
Well, a lot has happened since I last posted. I got laid off from my job at the prison after the riot in August, I lost the house I was renting and the car I was buying because I couldn’t make rent or the payments, and I had to move back in with my parents (ouch). Then my boyfriend, D, was diagnosed with throat cancer and I was told that his treatments aren’t working and that basically he is terminal. So I went off the deep end. My parents were less than supportive of me going through all this and trying to cope with BPD and bi-polar issues at the same time. On top of all that, D and I have been having some major problems in our relationship and I felt that things were just getting to be too much to handle, so I attempted suicide. Right now, I am in a psychiatric hospital trying to get better, and now trying to find a place to go since my parents aren’t going to allow me back in the house after this. I know them well enough to know that. It is pretty stressful and very hard to cope still, but at least here I have some support and someone to talk to if I need to talk. I really don’t have too much time here, as this is supposed to be part of a “theraputic class” that I am taking and I’m sure they would frown upon me logging into this to talk about my issues. So far they say I might be discharged early next week (Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest) if I continue to “show improvement”. We’ll see how it goes, and I’ll try to log back on here when I get the chance.
Holy Hell…
…has it been a long time since I’ve posted. Still have not gotten a computer, so I go to the library whenever I get a chance. The only bummer is that they have a 1 hour time limit, and I never seem to have enough time to get everything done!!
As of right now I have 20 minutes left, and I hope I can make them count.
Well, right now I am a deputy jailer at the local county jail. I was working at the prison close to here (Northpoint Training Center) but got laid off about a month after the riot (I was working in the kitchen and canteen and everything got burned down. Still not able to rebuild yet, so they had to let some of us go).
Trying to find my (ex) husband down in Florida so that I can get a divorce from him to marry D. We are now living together, trying to get things straightened out (bills paid off, money saved to buy a house, find H. so I can divorce him, etc.)
I’ve cut all my hair off (was mid-way down my back) and that shocked a lot of people, but most of them really like it. Not that it matters what they think, I just like the compliments (LOL!).
I think I may be making progress in getting reconnected with my parents (we had a major blow-out about a year and a half ago, and things have been pretty touchy since then). I’ve even been invited to a family get-together for the first time in almost 2 years (and no one balked when I asked if I could bring D along).
I’m very nervous about it, as I don’t know what has been said about me to my other family, so I don’t know how I will be received, but at least I will have D there with me for support.
Anyway, just thought of something else I have to check on before I get booted off of here.
Movin’ On Up (And Out)
Well, I haven’t been on here recently because I moved into my own apartment. I don’t have a computer or internet access (yet), and this is the first time since the beginning of the month that I have had a chance to get on and check my email and blah blah blah.
The day after I got my refund, I rented a one bedroom apartment and got quite a deal on it. The other day my stimulus check arrived, and am now pondering what to do with the money that I have. I have been contemplating hanging on to it and using it for an emergency, but I’m also wanting to get some more furniture. I am right now sleeping on an air mattress, and would dearly love to go out and get a bed. I have a couch and a chair, but I need a coffee table and a small table to go in the kitchen. I also want to get a few knick-knacks to make the place really feel like my own. I didn’t have much when I moved in and I still don’t have much, but it’s a great feeling having a place of my own and truly being independent.
The promotion at work officially happened at the same time I moved in. I’ve got the manager shirts, and am responsible for running and closing the front of house. I have had a problem with one employee who seems to think that just because he knew me as a crew member before he doesn’t have to listen to what I say and will mouth off at every opportunity. The store manager, assistant manager and I called him in early the other afternoon to straighten things out. I’ve only worked with him one day since then, but it’s been better. I just hope it stays that way.
Well, that’s about all I have for right now. I don’t know when I’ll be able to post again, but I’m looking into getting a computer (either a desktop or laptop, haven’t decided yet) and internet. But that won’t be until after I have my apartment set up the way I want it to.
