Ooh La La
Well, let’s see here…things haven’t worked out so well with D. He had been drifting further and further away since before Thanksgiving, and a few weeks ago he just dropped off the face of the earth. The last I had heard from him the doctors were going to be running tests to see if the chemo and radiation were making a dent in his cancer. If they weren’t, they were going to stop them because they were only making him sick and they told him that he had about six months. If the treatments were working, then they were going to continue with them. He wouldn’t reply to my texts, take my calls, or return my voicemails. I have no idea what happened to him, and think it’s pretty shitty of him to leave me hanging like that after all that we’ve been through the past two and half years. I know it sounds bad to say, but I’ve pretty much washed my hands of him. Everytime he would get angry at me for something (and it didn’t even have to be a big something) he would give me the silent treatment, sometimes for a week and a half. He’s got nothing to be angry at me for this time (and really only once did he have merit to be angry with me to give me that long a silent treatment) and I have no idea what is going on. He always told me that if anything ever happened to him, his brother, T, would get a hold of me and at least let me know what was going on. But I haven’t heard from either one of them and I have no idea how to get a hold of T to even see what’s up. Abandoned yet again…
However, I did start a new job (as crappy as it may be, it is still a paycheck) and met someone at work. We’ve been dating for not quite a week yet. He’s cute, funny, and seems sincere in what he has to say. We get along quite well. We listen to the same kind of music, both worship Family Guy (LOL) and we have some great conversations. I’m really starting to like him a whole lot. Maybe too much for so early on. He’s got some drama going on right now with one of his ex girlfriends, and I’m kinda worried that he’s going to end up going back to her and I’ll get my heart broken yet again. Every time I find myself getting closer to him, I pull myself back because I’m so afraid of getting hurt. Between B and D, I’ve been hurt a lot over the last 7 years and I’m not sure I could handle another heart break so soon after D. I want to bring this up to R, but I just don’t know how to get my words right and not seem like I think things are further along than what they are. I want to let him know that I am totally interested in pursuing a relationship with him and at the same time I’m kind of leery of doing so. I almost feel like I’m giving him mixed signals sometimes, because one moment I’ll be all talkative and giddy and the next I’m all quiet and shy. I just wish I knew if he was serious about not playing games and finding that special someone or if he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. H told me that I should have just gone out and found me a couple of rebounds before getting into another relationship. That sounded like a good idea at the time (right after shit went down with D), but I’m getting to a point in my life where I want to find someone to be with and start a family. He says he wants the same thing, but I’ve been lied to so much by so many different guys (B jumps straight to mind) I’m not sure if I can take what he says at face value yet or not. I really really like him and would love it if he is true to his word and things work out between us. I’m just so afraid of throwing myself in there and getting hurt. I kinda told him that last night over a text message, and his response was “I know what you mean”. I don’t know if that means “I understand what you’re saying and I feel the same way” or if it means “Yeah, ok, whatever, we’ll see how it works out”. H says I just need to sit down with him and have a conversation about it, but I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve like that. That’s how you get hurt. But then again if I don’t talk to him about it, I’m going to be an insecure paranoid mess and probably wreck things anyway. God, I don’t know what to do. I really really like him and don’t want to push him away with a “relationship talk” but then again I don’t want to send him the wrong message by being too distant, either. Wow, how did things get so complicated so quickly?? Maybe I’m just over-analyzing things and reading too much into nothing. Or maybe I’m right and this is going to end up in disaster. I hope I’m wrong and my insecurities are based only on my own fears and not what is actually there. It would be so awesome if things worked out with us…well, I’m going to get something to eat and then shower so I can go to work later. I’ll see how it goes for the time being, and if need be, we’ll have a talk I suppose. I just don’t want to push him away by bringing up things that don’t need to be brought up yet, and I don’t want to push him away by being too distant, either. Maybe I just need to “cowgirl up” and honestly tell him how I’m feeling. If I have the guts to, that is…
